A Gift of Birthday Presence

It's my birthday today, dear ones. 

And I want to thank you. 

Serving you, connecting with you, being inspired by you and the ways you show up in the world each day are a few of the reasons why this year, notwithstanding great pain, grief and loss, has also been one of the most remarkable in my life.

You have taught me so much about what it means to live well in the world. And because birthdays inspire us to give presents, I'd like to share with you a few nuggets of wisdom I have learned along the way that may inspire you to live more mindfully and authentically in your own life. 

Call it a gift of birthday presence. 

Greeks have always been lovers of wisdom, as we all know. More importantly, each and everyone of us can tap into that place of inner wisdom with a little practice, no matter where we come from or where we are going. 

And now, in no particular order, a few things I have learned on my journeys around the sun:

1. The antidote to loneliness is authentic connection. 
2. With great power comes great responsibility.
3. Yogurt with fat in it is better than yogurt with chemicals. 
4. The Golden Rule always applies. Always. 
5. To have scars means you have survived. Wear them proudly.
6. The word religion comes from the latin, religio, meaning "to bind together". When we are together, we are stronger. This has nothing to do with dogma, it is simple fact.
7. To be a lover of wisdom means one is a philosopher, not some stuffy shirt in an ivory tower. I'm a philosopher and hope everyone else is, too.
8. To love means to take a stand.
9. Technology is not the boss of you. You are the boss of it. Don't forget that you control the POWER button. Use it!
10. The most precious gift you can ever give to your child or another human being is to love yourself.
11. Taking small, sustainable actions consistently over time is how your life changes. Anybody who tells you anything else is underestimating your intelligence and the power of the ego.
12. Whenever you walk into a new situation or group of people, pre-empt the ego mind's habitual thinking of separation and division by forcing yourself to ask the question, "How am I like these people?" not, "How am I different?"
13. Eat breakfast. 
14. Be kind to everyone on the way up. They might be the ones to cushion your landing on the way down. 
15. One conscious breath can be as transformative as a year on a meditation retreat in the Himalayas. Do not underestimate the power of the sacred pause.
16. Go to Greece at least once in your life and get in touch with your own inner philosopher. 
17. To intentionally abuse another is harmful. To neglect another is just as harmful. Be present to your loved ones. 
18. Remember where you came from. 
19. Exercise every day - and that means a single yoga pose or 5 minutes stretching counts. Honor your temple because it helps you serve others. 
20. Clean up your stuff with your mother, whether she is alive or has passed. It is the most gut-wrenching and rewarding work I have ever done. Get support, do what you have to do, but do it.
21. Tell your partner what you appreciate about her or him. Tell your friends and co-workers what you appreciate about them, too. Do you get enough appreciation? They don't either. Be generous with your gifts of esteem to others. 
22. Tell the truth. The one from deep, deep down in your bones. Not the one that is convenient. The one you don't want to tell. That is the truth that will set you free.
23. Express gratitude for what you have. And for what you don't. 
24. Attachment is the source of all suffering. 
25. You exercise your physical muscles to help you continue to move, be flexible and strong. You exercise your spiritual muscles so that you can be still and know. 
26. Cherish your friends. They are your family of choice and need to hear it once in a while. 
27. Spend the first hour or more of your day in some form of centering practice. Read, write, pray, meditate, do yoga, take your dog for a walk. Cultivate your being this way so that your doing in the world is more skillful and serene. 
28. Give what you have. Teach what you know. Share what you want the most. 
29. Pick up the phone and call someone. Tell him or her you've been thinking of her and just wanted to say hi for no reason. 
30. Make eye contact and smile. If you've ever been sad or depressed, you know the power of a single smile from another human being. 
31. When there is chaos inside of you, look to the cosmos for answers. The stars and galaxies and planets that have been in place for billions of years might put your problems in perspective. 
32. A wrinkle, stretch mark, or belly is not a sign that you are a failure. Nor does a six-pack mean you are a success. What you do with your equipment is what determines your joy, fulfillment and contentment in life.
33. It is an act of humility to acknowledge your own strengths and weaknesses without apology.
34. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 
35. Learn to honor the law of cause and effect: karma. Virtuous actions have virtuous effects. Harmful actions have harmful effects. 
36. Go to bed early.
37. Let your freak flag fly one in a while. There is nothing more beautiful than authenticity. 
38. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an astronaut, the editor in chief of Time Magazine and a fashion designer. I even planned to design an astronaut's costume made of marble and lined with creamy, ivory silk shantung. It just goes to show you that some dreams make it and some don't. Move on.
39. Circumstances can make you bitter. Or they can make you better. Choose your response accordingly. 
40. The best anti-depressant is a walk in nature. Use it often and preventatively. 
41. Loving relationships require the risk of being known. Intimacy requires risk. Vulnerability requires risk. Creativity requires risk. Tune to your internal GPS (Guiding Principles) for guidance on increasing your tolerance for risk. No risk? No reward.
42. Your true nature is love. Everything else is conditioning which can be released. A dirty rag wrapped around a beautiful gold nugget does not change its fundamental nature. 
43. Wear strappy heels while you can. You'll thank me for this. 
44. I once met a man who was being yelled at by a group of people in a hot, summertime parking lot. He had left his dog inside the car for a moment to go into the laundromat to pick up his clothes. There was no handicapped parking space available and the people yelling at him weren't interested to know that not only did he have special needs, but that he was also newly homeless. I followed him into the laundromat to see if he was ok after being publicly flogged for his transgression of leaving the poor dog in the hot car for a few moments. The look on his face - of gratitude for the compassion and mercy being shown to him - has never left my mind. Compassion is always, always, always the sane response to another human beings shortcomings. Including our own.

It's been a pleasure serving you, dear reader. 

I can't wait for what the next revolution around the sun will hold for us all.

Now I'd love to hear from you: what do you find inspiring and hope to bring forth on your next revolution around the sun? Let me know in the comments below. 

The True Cost of Intimacy

I loved these little guys on a recent trip to the Lavender Festival in Cherry Valley. It seems much simpler for them to be intimate than it is for our species. Could it be that they don't have the same egos we do? Hmmmm ... 

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how lonely we all are.

We are on our devices. On social media. On our phones, iPads. Some people even have landlines, I’ve heard.

It seems that we are all in these situations of trying desperately to connect with others. To know we matter. To be seen.

And yet the more we try, the lonelier we feel.

Some of us just give up. We throw our hands in the air and say, “Screw it. I can’t do it anymore.”

We take refuge in substitutes for real connection.

Shopping.

Chocolate.

Sex.

Books.

Exotic vacations.

We post images on social media of our idealized self-image (you know, the ones taken at the best angle and in the best light so that your newly found wrinkles don’t show and your second chin is well camouflaged?). We talk to our partners about the historic political speech on the television rather than how hurt we feel that we aren’t truly seen by them anymore. We play nice at work even though we see people doing things that violate our standards of ethics, decency and dignity. We ignore it when a loved one comments about another woman’s looks and feel ashamed at our own lack of courage to say no to the objectification of women of any size, age, race or color.

Yes, in so many ways, we sacrifice our desire for true, authentic connection and settle for the saccharine after-taste left by these transactional interactions, masking as relationships.

Recently, a beloved client of mine, blew me away when she was faced with such a situation. I was so deeply humbled to be a witness to a sacred act of courage she shared with me.

Rather than keeping quiet and accepting the status quo, lashing out in attack or running to substitutes of connection, she did something most of us rarely do unless we are extremely spiritually fit.

She made a million dollar gamble. And paid a heavy price of letting go of her ego, the part that always wants to protect and defend against the things like love and connection we know we crave the most. 

And with a knot in her stomach and faith in her heart she performed the single most important act one can ever do to create a meaningful and authentic relationship with another human being: she took a risk and spoke her truth.

Not the truth he might have wanted to hear.

Not the truth that it would have been easy to share.

Not the truth that would have kept her tightly-managed self-image intact.

But the truth that came from the depths of her soul. That most vulnerable and sacred part of herself as a spiritual being was shared with another person: her truth.

And by taking that risk, not only did a remarkably positive thing happen in the dynamic of her relationship with her partner, but something different happened deep inside of her.

Building a massively fulfilling life isn’t about what other people do or how they respond. It’s about how we show up, honor and live our own values. By speaking up in service of her authentic values, she created an enormous boost to her own self-esteem. And from that place of truly authentic power, anything that comes to us from the outside – affection, approval, validation, love – is simply a bonus. It’s nice to have, but isn’t what makes all the difference.

It’s choosing the road less travelled which does.

The Things That Matter

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter."

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Recently headlines filled with violence have made many around the world feel hopeless and helpless. That the pain and suffering in the world has reached proportions far beyond business as usual. 

While there are no easy solutions to complex social, economic, historical, political and racial problems, there is absolutely, positively something that each of us can do starting right now about the things that matter. 

This week, I had the great privilege of asking my mentor New York Times best-selling author Marianne Williamson about what exactly we can do during these challenging times, 

The answer, in the video below, may surprise you (especially if you are stuck in your own life and having a hard time achieving your personal goals).

If this message resonates with you, or not, I'd love to hear from you. 

What, if anything, do you need to grieve to help move your life, and the world, ahead on the right track?

Let me know in the comments below. 

How to Reboot

If you're a regular reader to the blog, you'll be happy to know you have asked (for video), and I have listened.

My first attempt at sharing with you on video is about one of my favorite topics: rebooting. 

Maybe you are tired, worn out, and parts of your life aren't working as well as you'd like.

Could be your career. Or your relationship. Maybe even your health.

Perhaps its time for a reboot. It's easier than you think and here's how.

If you like this video, please feel free to share it. Help a friend reboot today, too. 

The Wisdom of Retreat

The view from our little retreat overlooking Central Park. 

On the streets of New York City yesterday, I was astonished to find that the people around me were very, very different from when I used to visit in my 20s.

The people were calmer, nicer, much friendlier.

They weren’t rushing around as nearly as much as I had remembered them from the days when I would leave work at the World Bank in Washington and come to stay for a few days of socializing, partying and burning the candle at both ends.

Had New York really changed that much?

Maybe the city that never sleeps is a bit different these days – after all, the whole country is different, too.

But what I know is profoundly different is my experience of it and the mind I am bringing to it.

Whereas in the past I ran around and wanted to suck the marrow out of every moment in the Big Apple by doing it all, this trip is remarkably different.

Chinese and Indian philosophy are replete with the complementary wisdom of the energy of going out and forward into the world, and the deep need to retreat and withdraw. In Western culture, we are obsessed with the former, the yang energy of the world.

We worship the sun, energy, movement and going for it. We are all about doing. Americans are prone to this more than perhaps any other culture, and New Yorkers (of which I am one by birth and claim proudly) could be collectively called the poster-child for yang energy.

The mantra of yang is simple:

Go.

Go.

Go.

Do.

Do.

Do.

More.

More.

More.

But alongside that powerful yang energy (the kind you might find in a strenuous yoga posture like a sun salutation, for example), balance and harmony also require the other side. The darker, more still, more internalized side of life.

The yin quality of life. The being which balances and tempers the doing.

I have been humbled by the opportunity to explore this yin side by actively cultivating an intention to retreat on this trip in what could seem to be the most unlikely of spaces.

Rather than racing from the shops on Fifth Avenue to bars, I am savoring the chance to really appreciate the beauty of nature overlooking Central Park from my window as I write this. Instead of feeling the compulsive need to see and do it all right now, I am indulging in the sweet luxury of coaching my amazingly courageous clients and exploring the joys of mediation with them. In place of waking up with a hangover from spending a night out with a dear old friend I hadn’t seen in years, I linger on the tender memory of ducking out of the rain into St. Patrick’s Cathedral for a few moments to sit, pray, love in community.

As someone who has always loved to travel, I am experiencing the world in a far deeper way by intentionally cultivating opportunities for retreat.

Like many of my clients, I used to seek escape from life by acting out compulsively – eating, shopping, drinking, traveling, always running to the next thing under the imperious tyranny of His Majesty, King FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

I am so excited to have learned a much, much better way to cultivate those opportunities for retreat (rather than escape) and to be able to share them.

There are so many ways to retreat, both at home and when travelling. It doesn’t have to be complicated.

You can curl up with a good book and rest for an hour when you come home from work rather than getting on the computer. You can do one yoga posture. You can meditate (try some here if you are looking to start or boost your practice). You can plan to join me in Greece this September for two powerful retreat opportunities that will give you a chance to reboot, recharge and reconnect, on an Aegean island and in a secluded olive grove. You can turn off your computer or your mobile right now, get out your journal and a pen, and write a few lines of poetry or doodle.

The wisdom of retreat is available to each of us in every moment. It’s our chance to get nourished and rest, before our lives break down and we are forced to by our health and other markers of how in alignment we may be living with our values.

And when we do retreat wisely, we go back into the world with something to give it. We fill up our cups, that we may have something with which to nourish others.