My (Three) Favorite Things in a Serious Crisis

This is the blog post I never wanted to write. 

Picture it:

One moment I’m in nature under gloriously scented pines, reveling in the crisp air, smelling intoxicating coffees percolating at surrounding campsites, hearing the laughter of families and friends on a holiday weekend. The next, a massive fire truck and ambulance are there to tend to my injuries after a brutal, inescapable attack from a canine.

With more and more people turning to somatic modalities for healing stress, anxiety and trauma, (not to mention chronic sleep difficulties, digestive issues, autoimmune conditions and relationship and boundary issues), it’s often easy to overlook how transformative these somatic modalities can be when shock trauma happens.

In a situation of inescapable attack - like with an unpredictable animal, or being robbed at knifepoint or a sexual assault - the nature of the threat is such that it’s often impossible to fight or flee, our first lines of protective responses. When those options don’t work, freeze is often the only other life-saving option available. And while helpful in the short-run, over the long run unless those defensive orienting responses are completed in the nervous system, serious complications can arise. 

In this blog post, I share three things I recently did when faced with an inescapable attack to mitigate the likelihood of developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress. 

1. Physical support

When I was attacked by a 70 lb dog earlier this year, as good fortune would have it, a park ranger was coming around the bend on a golf cart and saw the whole thing. He asked what I needed and my training as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner kicked in. When experiencing a shock trauma, the human nervous system needs to co-regulate with another system if at all possible. Intuitively, I asked the kind ranger to place his hand on my shoulder and keep it there for a while. 

By doing so, my body avoided going into overwhelm. It trembled and shook, and the supportive physical contact helped my nervous system feel contained. 

Later, while we waited for the paramedics to arrive, the other ranger Paige and I sat together back to back. (Also - big shout out to both her and John for their wise compassionate care!)

Because our mammalian nervous system is like that of other animals, our bodies know we are safe and the ordeal is over when we can experience that kind of supportive, non-judgmental physical contact. 

Just like you will intuitively kiss a child’s boo boo, offering physical contact in the moment can do a lot to prevent the development of long term symptoms (like in my case avoiding places where there are large dogs or going camping again, a common symptom of unresolved post-traumatic stress).

It certainly did for my system.

2. Singing 

As we waited for care to arrive on the narrow mountain road under the majestic trees, I was reminded of and started spontaneously singing the childhood classic “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music: 

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I’m feeling sad,

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so bad!

And while the lyrics were helpful, what was really powerful was that my nervous system was naturally reaching for a very wise strategy.

The vagus nerve, the largest nerve in the body, contributes greatly to our self-regulation. The ability to calm down when we are too agitated – but also to reach for the healthy aggression that can often help protect us – is all related to the functioning of this massive nerve. Things that help support vagal tone including humming, chanting and singing, and spontaneous social engagement.

By singing, not only was my mind distracted from the blood gushing down my leg and the searing pain (Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles), but I was able to discharge some of the build up of energy that could have easily lead to an anxiety or panic attack or even shock, a critical condition brought on by the sudden drop in blood flow through the body. 

Plus when Paige joined in and sang with me, I actually had a moment of relief in what could have been an utterly terrifying and isolating experience. (Remember one definition of trauma is anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope, and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond).

Trauma is anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope, and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond.

By discharging the high level of energy in my system in a conscious way supported by presence, I was able to advocate for myself and hopefully prevent further traumatization (which often happens after a shocking incident like a car accident, fall, or dog bite).

3. Social engagement

After experiencing some physical support with contact from the park rangers, followed by the singing, there was one more piece that helped me regulate enough to be able to think clearly.

When the massive fire truck and paramedics arrived, I let the folks near me know it was important to speak in low voices. I also gently let them know that, despite the fact that it was a sunny summer morning, I needed the emergency response folks who were helping me to take off their sunglasses to make eye contact with me. 

(I should add that it was wonderful, empowering and affirming that they did - and not something I took for granted or would have necessarily happened for others, unfortunately). 

Again, because we are mammals, the need for contact with other mammals of the same species was incredibly helpful to my limbic system and other subcortical brain structures. These are the parts of the brain that keep our hearts beating, our lungs pumping and keep us alive with no conscious effort on our part. 

This system (the autonomic nervous system) is what is keeping you alive all day every day. 

Because eye contact is one of the primary ways we attach to other human beings for safety (check out what a baby does when there is a loud sound - it will often orient to the eyes of the primary caregiver), it’s incredibly helpful. If you’ve ever tried to have an intimate conversation with someone wearing sunglasses or glued to their phone and felt really uncomfortable, this is why. 

By simply letting folks know that my nervous system needed low voices and eye contact (kind of like a vulnerable baby does), the experience of medical intervention was far less jarring and traumatic.

While I certainly would have preferred to enjoy an easy weekend of camping, by having these somatic tools in my back pocket and using them, I’m hopeful I’ll continue to recover from my injuries. 

I hope you’ll reflect on these tools for regulation and how you might use them not only in a crisis, but in your daily life - at home, at work, on vacation and with the populations you serve. By doing so, you are taking an active role in your own healing and that of us all.

Let me know how it goes!

Ready to take the next step in your healing? The Refuge of Boundaries experience is coming in the fall of 2023. Click here to get on the list and be the first to know when doors open. 

6 Steps to Saner Holidays: Better Boundary Boosters

Several weeks ago, a client of mine asked a million dollar question:

“How do I set boundaries without being a jerk and in a way that’s aligned with my values?”

Oh girl. I feel you. Boy do I feel you! 

This is such an important question, especially during this time of year. With sometimes competing demands from friends and family - plus the pull to indulge in all the things you can eat, drink, buy and consume - creating and maintaining healthy boundaries during the pressure of the holidays isn’t easy. 

But it can be done with a little practice, a whole lot of patience and a dollop of self-compassion. This is one place where perfectionism isn’t helpful so see if you can drop that tool in favor of a spirit of greater creativity and exploration.

Here are 6 Steps to Saner Holidays: Better Boundary Boosters 

1. Get Quiet and Meditate for Ten Minutes

This does not have to be complicated. 

A ten minute meditation where you close your eyes and turn off your phone is great. If you’ve been practicing meditation for a while (and see this post for some motivation about the benefits of meditation), you might visualize a boundary of golden light around you, or focus on heart-centered qualities such as equanimity or lovingkindness. If grounding is what you need, some gentle mindful yoga asana can be helpful.

The point is to keep it simple and to drop into presence as best you can. 

2. Take Some Time to Review Holidays Past

Now that you’re a bit more present, it’s time to look clearly at the past. 

Take some time to review holidays past and give yourself a chance to reflect. 

Where did you go? What did you do? Who was there? And who wasn’t? What did you spend? Eat? Drink? Consume? Regret?

While this review might bring up some emotion, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, our ability to experience joy, delight and wonder is directly related to our ability to feel all our feelings. So if you want those feelings, you can begin now to practice accepting the less comfortable ones, such as grief, sadness, hurt, and pain. Getting some support, from a therapist, coach or weekly group with accountability can be incredibly helpful, too. 

3. Identify What You Loved (and Didn’t) in Previous Years

Next it’s time to identify what you want to consciously co-create this holiday season. 

A great way to do that is to use a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and write down all the things you loved doing in previous holiday seasons. Similarly, take a few minutes to write down the stuff you hated. 

Did you love that time you spent with your college buddy attending Christmas mass at Il Duomo in Milan? Or was it the family gathering at your Uncle Leon’s house with your quirky (to put it mildly) relatives? Maybe it was putting up holiday lights and watching goofy rom coms in your PJs with your honey? Or baking your mother’s traditional holiday spanakopita to pay homage to the good times you shared with her when she was alive?

Also get clear on the stuff you didn’t like, or that perhaps no longer serves you.


Did you spend way too much money on gifts that harmed you financially when January rolled around? Or maybe you ate way too many sugary treats and felt physically horrible? Perhaps you travelled far away to visit folks and promised yourself you’d never do that holiday travel thing again? Or did you feel too exhausted in the New Year and wish you had just laid low and given yourself time to rest? 

Whatever it is, getting it out of your head and onto paper can be enormously clarifying. 

4. Next, Schedule the Activities You Love 

Now that you’re clear on the stuff you loved during holidays past, the fun part begins. 

Get out your calendar and start getting organized to do the things that nurture you. Do you need a few hours to hang lights? Block that time out. Craving a silent retreat to do something more meaningful for the New Year? Get on the website of that Buddhist monastery nearby and check out what’s available. Want to volunteer at the local food bank? Check out what their needs are that match your availability. 

The point is to be super clear and intentional with how you want to spend your precious time and other resources first, and not just falling into the path of least resistance. 

5. Pay Attention to the Pull of the Past and Communicate Clearly To Loved Ones Using “I” Language

The holidays can often pull us back in time.

Unmet expectations, grief, loved ones who are no longer with us, traumatic moments from childhood that were never processed (or acknowledged) and the ridiculously absurd pressure to have the “perfect” everything can be toxic. It can be easy to fall into childhood patterns of behavior, as well as codependency when we look to things outside of ourselves to feel ok.

One of the best antidotes to falling into old patterns is to practice using “I language” when communicating our needs to friends and family around the holidays. 

Maybe that sounds like, “I’d love to spend time with you this year but I really need to take care of my health and won’t be coming to the Cookie-Palooza this time. Could we meet up for a walk in the park instead? 

Or:

“I’m really focusing on getting my financial house in order and won’t be able to come visit for 5 days and bring gifts for everyone this year. But I’d really love to spend some time with you and to come sometime in March when fares are lower. Does that work for you?”

6. Take a moment to celebrate starting right now

Now that you’ve taken the time to get clear on what you want (and don’t want) this holiday season, take a moment to celebrate your accomplishment. Even if it feels awkward, it’s important to take time to appreciate the emotional and physiological states you want to cultivate in your life. This is an important somatic experience that can help you create more resilience over time.

If there’s anything the holidays can do for us, it’s to help us reflect on what truly matters and to create the space, time and opportunity to co-create experiences that we genuinely desire.

Try these 6 steps (with pen and paper) and explore how better boundaries - with yourself and others - might be just the booster you need this holiday season.

Why You Should Listen To Your Mother This Holiday Season

My recent visit to Walden Pond was a dream come true. I had always wanted to go scope out where Thoreau spent time in nature. Not only did I finally get to visit but it was even better to share it (on video) with a client having a private mindfulness retreat with me, too. Such a honot! 

I was lying in bed trying to read a book that early Friday evening when the voice in my head threatened to nag me to death:

Don’t get too comfortable in your cozy yoga pants! Yes, you’ve had a busy week and are tired, but you promised you were gonna go to this sound bath meditation tonight. If you don’t go, you’ll be a flake and nobody likes a flake. You’ve wanted to do this for so long, so don’t bail out now, ok? Come on. You always flake out like this at the last minute when it’s a commitment to yourself. When are you going to stop being such a fraud?

I kept trying to ignore the snarky voice in my head.

But it’s guidance seemed so sensible. So practical.

Isn’t it important to keep your word?

You’re just being lazy.

If you want to succeed in life, you can’t just bail out anytime you don’t feel like it!

Come on. No one trusts a flake!

My mind was working in overdrive to get me out of my snuggly blanket to head out into the chilly (ok, for Palm Springs it was cold!) night air.

But then, as if a cry from an animal across the forest, I heard a sound. It was actually a deep groan. My ears couldn’t hear it, but my heart could.

As I brought awareness to this presence, it became clear what it was: my body was saying no.

How many times had I ignored this soft, furry animal and demanded it conform to the expectations and demands of my mind?

Far too many to count here.

This sound though got my attention, and brought me back to a conversation earlier in the day with a client about the seismic shifts and earthquakes in our culture around the role of women today, and feminine energies in particular. How this much needed shift was coming after centuries of ignoring and reviling not just women, but just as importantly, the principle and energy of the feminine in our lives. And all of this to the detriment of women, men and the planet.

More than two thousand years ago, a sacred wound occurred.

Among others, the Ancients Greeks who revered the nous (or rational intellect) separated the mind and psyche - the traditionally masculine energies - from the messy body, intuition and emotions, the realm of the feminine. So many of the consequences that ail us personally, politically, environmentally and spiritually today are a result of that sacred split.

And that split is often represented in other spiritual traditions as well, including those from the east.

Even in mindfulness and Buddhist meditation communities, this split is easy to spot. It’s the meditator who is above everything and seems aloof, disembodied and rather cold, and who thinks he or she is making great spiritual progress; what’s commonly referred to as a spiritual bypass.

Buddhist psychologist, author and former monk Jack Kornfield writes about how common this is:

The near enemy of equanimity is indifference or callousness. We may appear serene if we say, “I’m not attached. It doesn’t matter what happens anyway, because it’s all transitory.” We feel a certain peaceful relief because we withdraw from experience and from the energies of life. But indifference is based on fear. True equanimity is not a withdrawal; it is a balanced engagement with all aspects of life. It is opening to the whole of life with composure and ease of mind, accepting the beautiful and terrifying nature of all things. Equanimity embraces the loved and the unloved, the agreeable and the disagreeable, the pleasure and pain. It eliminates clinging and aversion.

This is enormously helpful for re-balancing what we give importance to in our daily decision making: the mind or the body.

If the mind is associated symbolically and spiritually with the sky and the masculine principle, yang energy and aggression, it is only by bringing balance with the body, the feminine, the earth, yin energy and receptivity, that a true state of balanced equanimity and authentic vitality can occur.

For me, in that moment of trying to decide if I should go to the event or not, my mind was screaming that I should. But with mindful awareness of thoughts and sensations manifesting in the body, I was able to hear different guidance. This time from the body and what seemed to be mother earth herself.

Stay home. Rest. It’s ok.

The masculine energy of the mind and the feminine energy of the body were in conflict once again in me. And that’s when it hit me:

Here was my chance to take a tiny, but radical stance in favor of righting the imbalance on the earth of masculine and feminine energies. Rather than merely talking about equality and the importance of affordable child care, parental leave and equal rights for women, with this one small action, I could help to energetically shift the world into greater balance.

All of a sudden my decision to stay or go wasn’t about me being lazy, not keeping my word or being a flake. Framed this way, I was taking one small action to listen to the feminine principle of the earth. I could honor mother nature in my own body and make a decision from that place of listening to her, rather than continuing to allow my decisions to be solely dominated by the linear, rational mind.

The more I reflected on it in those terms, as a matter of balancing feminine and masculine energies through mindful awareness of the body and mind, the more excitement, empowerment and joy I began to feel.

Rather than feeling bad about myself because I was simply too tired to go out, I could see one moment as a radical act in favor of the kind of sustainable world I want to see.

A world where all men and women are valued equally.

Where the earth is cherished.

Where compassion for self and others determines our political policies.

It’s moments like this when I realize how important our mindfulness practices are. Not just for our own well-being, but for the consequences it has on the issues of environmental and social justice that matter to us most. How it turns us from passive witnesses of the daily headlines of sexual discrimination, to active participants in embodying something better and more truly sustainable.

I can’t imagine anything more important to think about this holiday season.

In invite you to think about what your body might have to say about your choices this holiday season. If you start to pay attention to it, by doing the body scan and other mindfulness practices for example, it will start giving you guidance.

A client who did a half-day mindfulness retreat with me on video while I was visiting Walden Pond recently was utterly surprised that, when she actually listened to her body, it told her exactly what she was feeling and what she needed.

Imagine asking your precious, furry, soft animal - the one that has been born witness to all of your experiences since you were born - what it wants this holiday season.

Whether it wants to go to your Uncle Leo’s for Christmas dinner.

Whether it wants to spend a small fortune on electronics that will be obsolete in a year.

Whether it wants to host New Year’s at your house (once again).

We have been taught to fear and control our bodies - God knows I spent decades trying to do so. That if we listen to them we will end up like wild animals, and do nothing all day but eat all the chocolate in the world, have deliciously hot sex and never go pick up the drying cleaning again. But that simply isn’t true, if you are genuinely cultivating mindfulness through moment-by-moment awareness of the present moment.

Perhaps you might start in this moment.

Close your eyes and take three deep breaths.

Place your heart on your belly and simply observe the weight and warmth of your hand.

Notice your body rising and falling softly.

Stay here like this for 10 minutes.

And listen to anything it tells you.

It’s your friend after all. And it has been here, waiting for you, all along.

Want to learn how to apply this mindfulness of the body in your life this holiday season? Join us for First Fridays with Felina on zoom video this Friday, December 1st at 10 am Pacific. This interactive call is free but you must REGISTER HERE.