In this blog post, we’ll explore:
What are healthy boundaries?
The role of the nervous system
Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting
While learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a life-long practice and skill for many, there are a few things that you need to know to get started.
What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy physical, emotional, financial, sexual, personal and spiritual boundaries are fundamentally about safety, respect and containment. At their best, like the skin, healthy boundaries allow what is nurturing and nourishing to come in, and keep out all the rest.
When boundaries are functioning best, they are firm and flexible.
But what does it look like when our boundaries aren’t so ideal?
We might have walls for protection, meaning we block out any contact or incoming energy. On the other hand, we may adapt by having extremely porous boundaries where we basically take in everything around us without a filter. Both of these adaptations may be helpful at times, but healing trauma invites us to look towards cultivating boundaries that can take in a helpful amount and type of energetic information, and protect us from anything that isn’t.
For example, you might go through a painful divorce or breakup and say “Never again!” to dating or romantic relationships. That’s an example of a wall.
Or maybe you can’t say no when your kids ask you for something or you spend money on stuff after you’ve promised yourself (yet again) not to do that. Those are examples of more porous boundaries.
Now there’s nothing wrong with using walls or the absence of them. In fact, they are both common after we’ve experienced trauma - and one of the most common symptoms I see in my Somatic Experiencing clients. They are in fact life saving. But when we can strengthen our boundaries - being more flexible where we are rigid and more solid where we are open - we can have many more choices and opportunities to thrive personally and professionally.
We move from fixity to flow, rigidity to choice, compulsion to curiosity.
The role of the nervous system
Along with our cultural environment, our brain and nervous system are among the primary creators of our boundaries.
Different systems in the brain relate to different parts of our energetic boundary system.
Our physical boundaries are related to our skin and the most ancient part of the brain. The brain scans the environment (approximately four times per second in fact) to make sure our skin isn’t being touched in a way that is harmful or dangerous. This scanning is automatic in our brain stem, just as it is in the reptiles and our evolutionary elders.
Our emotional and psychological boundaries are related to our limbic system, the subcortical structures of the brain. Our psychological boundaries are formed when we are children. When there is proper attunement and mirroring of our emotional landscape, we learn what our emotional identity is, and how it is different from those around us.
For example, a two-year old having a tantrum might be offered a reflection, “Oh, it looks like you’re mad. You want to play with your toy, don’t you? It’s ok to be mad and right now it’s time for you to get dressed.” The child learns about the emotion “mad”, that it’s ok to feel that way, and that it is her feeling – no one else’s. With regular attunement, the child’s brain learns to know that her feelings and thoughts are ok, and to differentiate from those in her environment. She isn’t enmeshed with the feelings of those around her, but can clearly see where she starts and ends.
These psychological boundaries also allow in information that is true and keep out what isn’t. For example, if you’re told you are a blue truck, you might be able to keep that information out - because you know very well that you aren’t.
Finally, our ability to keep our word to ourselves and practice impulse control (what might be called a containing boundary) is situated in the neocortex, the newest and most uniquely human part of the brain. This thin layer of gray matter is active when we keep to our commitment to finish the project rather than binging on Netflix, put down the phone and get a good night’s sleep rather than scrolling social media and finish one project before starting the next.
Knowing about the role of the brain and nervous system is helpful for generating compassion with ourselves when learning about boundaries. These adaptations took some time to develop, and they require time to evolve. The good news though is that with attention and intention - coupled with the miracle of neuroplasticity - our nervous system and boundaries can become more functional and life-affirming.
Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting
Once we’ve established physical, psychological and personal boundaries, next up we can begin the practice of creating and maintaining them in our relationships. One of the most important things to keep in mind is that, if we aren’t first able to honor these foundational internal boundaries, it will be nearly impossible to have them with others. So to get started with setting limits with others, we have to begin even closer to home – with ourselves.
Yes you heard that right - don’t even try to set boundaries with your colleagues at work or your mother, if you haven’t first cultivated your own personal boundaries.
In other words, when you can respect your physical integrity (and that of others), your emotional self (and the emotions or psychology of those around you without being unduly impacted) and your internal commitments (like when you say you are going to meditate every day for 20 minutes), you can then begin to communicate and execute boundaries far more effectively with others.
Here are a few tips to get you started.
DO:
Learn about boundaries
Practice
Start with yourself
Let go of the quick-fix
Begin with the low hanging fruit
Take the win
Get support
DON’T
Start with the most challenging relationships
Ask other people to do for you what you aren’t doing for yourself
Make threats you won’t carry out
Generating healthy boundaries is one of the best things we can do for our physical, emotional, financial and spiritual health, and most of us need a little help along the way.
If you’d like to strengthen your boundaries, reach out to a mental health provider, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, trauma-informed coach or find a class. There are so many ways to to support your growth in this way — just find your way to get started. Whether it’s cognitively (by reading blog posts and books), somatically (through embodied practices) or experientially (through trial and error), you can heal and transform your boundaries for better health, relationships and financial abundance. By learning about healthy boundaries, the role or your nervous system and the dos and dont’s of boundary setting, you are already on your way.