Three Things You Need to Know About Boundaries

In this blog post, we’ll explore:

• What are healthy boundaries?

• The role of the nervous system

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

While learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a life-long practice and skill for many, there are a few things that you need to know to get started.

• What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy physical, emotional, financial, sexual, personal and spiritual boundaries are fundamentally about safety, respect and containment. At their best, like the skin, healthy boundaries allow what is nurturing and nourishing to come in, and keep out all the rest.

When boundaries are functioning best, they are firm and flexible. 

But what does it look like when our boundaries aren’t so ideal?

We might have walls for protection, meaning we block out any contact or incoming energy. On the other hand, we may adapt by having extremely porous boundaries where we basically take in everything around us without a filter. Both of these adaptations may be helpful at times, but healing trauma invites us to look towards cultivating boundaries that can take in a helpful amount and type of energetic information, and protect us from anything that isn’t.

For example, you might go through a painful divorce or breakup and say “Never again!” to dating or romantic relationships. That’s an example of a wall. 

Or maybe you can’t say no when your kids ask you for something or you spend money on stuff after you’ve promised yourself (yet again) not to do that. Those are examples of more porous boundaries. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with using walls or the absence of them. In fact, they are both common after we’ve experienced trauma - and one of the most common symptoms I see in my Somatic Experiencing clients.  They are in fact life saving. But when we can strengthen our boundaries - being more flexible where we are rigid and more solid where we are open - we can have many more choices and opportunities to thrive personally and professionally. 

We move from fixity to flow, rigidity to choice, compulsion to curiosity. 

• The role of the nervous system

Along with our cultural environment, our brain and nervous system are among the primary creators of our boundaries. 

Different systems in the brain relate to different parts of our energetic boundary system. 

Our physical boundaries are related to our skin and the most ancient part of the brain. The brain scans the environment (approximately four times per second in fact) to make sure our skin isn’t being touched in a way that is harmful or dangerous. This scanning is automatic in our brain stem, just as it is in the reptiles and our evolutionary elders. 

Our emotional and psychological boundaries are related to our limbic system, the subcortical structures of the brain. Our psychological boundaries are formed when we are children. When there is proper attunement and mirroring of our emotional landscape, we learn what our emotional identity is, and how it is different from those around us. 

For example, a two-year old having a tantrum might be offered a reflection, “Oh, it looks like you’re mad. You want to play with your toy, don’t you? It’s ok to be mad and right now it’s time for you to get dressed.” The child learns about the emotion “mad”, that it’s ok to feel that way, and that it is her feeling – no one else’s. With regular attunement, the child’s brain learns to know that her feelings and thoughts are ok, and to differentiate from those in her environment. She isn’t enmeshed with the feelings of those around her, but can clearly see where she starts and ends.

These psychological boundaries also allow in information that is true and keep out what isn’t. For example, if you’re told you are a blue truck, you might be able to keep that information out - because you know very well that you aren’t. 

Finally, our ability to keep our word to ourselves and practice impulse control (what might be called a containing boundary) is situated in the neocortex, the newest and most uniquely human part of the brain. This thin layer of gray matter is active when we keep to our commitment to finish the project rather than binging on Netflix, put down the phone and get a good night’s sleep rather than scrolling social media and finish one project before starting the next.

Knowing about the role of the brain and nervous system is helpful for generating compassion with ourselves when learning about boundaries. These adaptations took some time to develop, and they require time to evolve. The good news though is that with attention and intention - coupled with the miracle of neuroplasticity - our nervous system and boundaries can become more functional and life-affirming.

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

Once we’ve established physical, psychological and personal boundaries, next up we can begin the practice of creating and maintaining them in our relationships. One of the most important things to keep in mind is that, if we aren’t first able to honor these foundational internal boundaries, it will be nearly impossible to have them with others. So to get started with setting limits with others, we have to begin even closer to home – with ourselves.

Yes you heard that right - don’t even try to set boundaries with your colleagues at work or your mother, if you haven’t first cultivated your own personal boundaries. 

In other words, when you can respect your physical integrity (and that of others), your emotional self (and the emotions or psychology of those around you without being unduly impacted) and your internal commitments (like when you say you are going to meditate every day for 20 minutes), you can then begin to communicate and execute boundaries far more effectively with others. 

Here are a few tips to get you started. 

DO: 

• Learn about boundaries

• Practice 

• Start with yourself

• Let go of the quick-fix

• Begin with the low hanging fruit 

• Take the win

• Get support

DON’T

• Start with the most challenging relationships

• Ask other people to do for you what you aren’t doing for yourself

• Make threats you won’t carry out

Generating healthy boundaries is one of the best things we can do for our physical, emotional, financial and spiritual health, and most of us need a little help along the way. 

If you’d like to strengthen your boundaries, reach out to a mental health provider, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, trauma-informed coach or find a class. There are so many ways to to support your growth in this way — just find your way to get started. Whether it’s cognitively (by reading blog posts and books), somatically (through embodied practices) or experientially (through trial and error), you can heal and transform your boundaries for better health, relationships and financial abundance. By learning about healthy boundaries, the role or your nervous system and the dos and dont’s of boundary setting, you are already on your way.

THE REFUGE OF BOUNDARIES experience IS NOW OPEn for registration for a limited time. join us for our first live session on may 11th. click here for the details & to register.

Understanding the Mind and Brain (Part I)

When I was about 4 years old, my parents and I packed into the red Pontiac Grand Prix with the white pleather interior in New Jersey and drove to Disneyworld in Florida.

I was so excited.

Rather than loving it though, I’ll never forget the traumatic encounter I had with the park staffer dressed in a Goofy costume. While I was happy meeting Minnie and Mickey, for whatever reason, that dog freaked the hell out of me.

I burst into tears sobbing uncontrollably, which made for some very awkward Polaroids of me looking terrified. 

I’ve had to learn to focus on the good stuff that happened on that trip, but the inexplicable terror of the Goofy moment (along with the celluloid reminder) is something I doubt I’ll ever forget. 

Have you ever noticed that it’s far easier to remember the times you got scared, rejected, hurt or fired, than all the many times that things went well for you?

Why exactly is that?

In this 3 part blog series over the coming months, I’ll lay the groundwork for you to create more resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma by helping you understand this and how you work more broadly:

• Understanding the Mind and Brain (Part I)

• Understanding the Body and Trauma (Part II)

• Understanding Your Spirit (Part III)

How the Brain Works

Let’s say you’re anxious and stressed - a reasonable assumption for most people in 2021. 

What you might notice is that you are pretty much always focusing on what might go wrong. You have a decent day at work, but in bed at night, all you can do is obsess about that one comment in your boss’ email. Even though you’ve promised yourself again and again to put your phone away and to finally get to the stack of books by your bedside, you can’t stop reading and rereading his email worried if this means you’re going to lose your job and will have to move back in with your parents. 

That’s because of how the brain works to keep you alive. 

From an evolutionary biology perspective, this is a great idea. 

If your ancestors were out on the open savannah in the wild thousands of years ago and thought there might be a lion nearby, assuming it was true and getting to safety was far smarter than risking it and taking your chances. In other words, your ancestor who was sensitive to those cues was the most likely to pass down her genes and survive. 

The ancestor who ignored the signal and sat around sunning himself, however, might not have made it long enough to pass on his genes to you. 

The Negativity Bias: It’s Not Just You

Think back to your day yesterday. 

What was the worst thing that happened to you? 

An argument with your partner? Your phone died and you had to spend hours replacing it? Did you get yelled at by somebody in the grocery store parking lot? 

Or perhaps it was something far worse, like a cancer diagnosis, getting sexually harassed or the death of a loved one.

Regardless of what it is, I’d be willing to bet that, without too much effort, you can quickly and easily recall that worst thing that happened to you in the last 24 hours. 

That’s because of a built in negativity bias in our brains. When negative experiences occur, chemicals are produced in the body and brain that seem to almost “stain” what has happened into our memory. That’s because it’s a survival mechanism to keep us alive. 

Think about it from an evolutionary perspective. 

If you remember the worst thing that happened to you, at some level, you are going to be most likely to do whatever possible to avoid something like that happening again. It’s like when you’re a little kid and put your hands on the stove. It just takes one time for most kids to get the message: Play with fire? You’re gonna get hurt.

How Your Brain is Like Velcro

That’s why Rick Hanson, in his book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom (with Rick Mendius, M.D.; foreword by Dan Siegel, M.D.; preface by Jack Kornfield, Ph.D.) gives us a clear mnemonic that can help us understand how the brain works. 

The brain is like velcro to negative experiences, so we hold on to them as if for dear life. 

It’s why you remember how painful it was when the guy you dated after college hit on your best friend: so that the next time you meet someone like him (the subject of a whole other blog post), you don’t give him your number. Not necessarily a bad thing, right?

Why Your Brain is Also Like Teflon

Knowing that the brain has a negativity bias and is like velcro to negative experiences, how does the brain respond to positive experiences, you might ask?

Think of positive events or experiences as being like Teflon to your brain. The events will land on your brain, but very easily slide off, like the scrambled eggs my honey makes Sunday mornings while listening to the Baroque program on the local classical station. It’s the reason why so many things probably go right in your life and you don’t even notice them. Without conscious attention and focus, they slip right away.

So if you wonder why you remember more of the bad stuff and less of the good stuff, don’t worry. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you. You’re in exactly the right place with the right kind of human brain. 

And if you are breathing, as Jon Kabat-Zinn says, there is more right with you than is wrong with you.

Neuroplasticity, the Triune Brain and Potato Chips

Understanding about how we interpret positive and negative experiences, it might be easy to feel hopeless. After all, if we are wired to focus more on the negative than the positive, and it helps us stay alive, what can we do?

The good news, in fact, is that there’s a lot we can do. 

In the past, conventional wisdom was that the structures of the brain were fixed and relatively immutable once we reach adulthood. Yet research in recent years has demonstrated that the brain is plastic and changeable throughout life. 

It also means that it can be strengthened in a number of ways that lead to positive outcomes (like less stress, better relationships, and more impulse control) especially when we understand the structure of the brain. 

One metaphor that’s helpful for thinking about the brain is the notion of a triune brain. 

The reptilian brain controls our autonomic nervous system functions. It’s the most primitive part of the brain and where the brain’s sentinel (the amygdala) alerts us to danger. It’s the fastest (but least accurate) part of the brain. The mammalian brain is the home of the limbic system, where our emotions and attachment behaviors are based. The newest part of the brain, or the cortex, is where our uniquely human functions are centered, where we appreciate art, justice, music, poetry, compassion, patience and other such qualities. 

When our brain is integrated, life goes more smoothly. For example, maybe you want to watch your salt intake because your blood pressure is a little high and you don’t want to take medication. Your rational brain is in favor of skipping the bag of salt and vinegar Kettle chips. But if you’re feeling anxious or afraid it’s going to be much harder to keep your hands out of the salty goodness. 

This you’ve seen a thousand times in yourself and others. 

I know I have.

How the Brain and Mind Influence Each Other

So how do we cultivate a more integrated brain? Is that even possible?

Yes, it absolutely is. 

One way is through mindfulness meditation, yoga and other activities which help strengthen the frontal cortex. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the University of Massachusetts Medical Center’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, describes mindfulness as “paying attention, in the present moment, without judgment”. Many years ago I had the privilege of assisting him at a workshop he was leading on mindfulness in education at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, a deeply moving experience. It was inspiring how he was able to translate the practices described in classical Buddhist texts, and make them accessible to anyone anywhere who wanted to feel less stress and pain, particularly heroic teachers and educators. 

When we cultivate mindfulness, and train the mind, we also have an impact on the physical structures of the brain. In other words, simply by intentionally bringing your awareness over and over again back to the present moment, in functional MRIs you can see greater activity in those parts of the brain associated with better impulse control and emotional regulation. 

The result? 

Fewer unnecessary salty chips you never really wanted to eat to begin with. 

The Bottom Line? Shift Happens. 

In Rick Hanson’s words:

“The mind and brain interact with each other so profoundly that they’re best understood as a single, co-dependent, mind/brain system.” 

So when your mind changes, your brain changes, too. That is very good news indeed.

In an upcoming blog post, I’ll share with you specific simple practices you can do to begin the process of feeling and being more self-regulated. 

Mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world is possible. Understanding how your mind and brain work can be hugely helpful on your path to doing so. 

Want to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing. Applications are now being accepted.