Three Things You Need to Know About Boundaries

In this blog post, we’ll explore:

• What are healthy boundaries?

• The role of the nervous system

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

While learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a life-long practice and skill for many, there are a few things that you need to know to get started.

• What are healthy boundaries?

Healthy physical, emotional, financial, sexual, personal and spiritual boundaries are fundamentally about safety, respect and containment. At their best, like the skin, healthy boundaries allow what is nurturing and nourishing to come in, and keep out all the rest.

When boundaries are functioning best, they are firm and flexible. 

But what does it look like when our boundaries aren’t so ideal?

We might have walls for protection, meaning we block out any contact or incoming energy. On the other hand, we may adapt by having extremely porous boundaries where we basically take in everything around us without a filter. Both of these adaptations may be helpful at times, but healing trauma invites us to look towards cultivating boundaries that can take in a helpful amount and type of energetic information, and protect us from anything that isn’t.

For example, you might go through a painful divorce or breakup and say “Never again!” to dating or romantic relationships. That’s an example of a wall. 

Or maybe you can’t say no when your kids ask you for something or you spend money on stuff after you’ve promised yourself (yet again) not to do that. Those are examples of more porous boundaries. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with using walls or the absence of them. In fact, they are both common after we’ve experienced trauma - and one of the most common symptoms I see in my Somatic Experiencing clients.  They are in fact life saving. But when we can strengthen our boundaries - being more flexible where we are rigid and more solid where we are open - we can have many more choices and opportunities to thrive personally and professionally. 

We move from fixity to flow, rigidity to choice, compulsion to curiosity. 

• The role of the nervous system

Along with our cultural environment, our brain and nervous system are among the primary creators of our boundaries. 

Different systems in the brain relate to different parts of our energetic boundary system. 

Our physical boundaries are related to our skin and the most ancient part of the brain. The brain scans the environment (approximately four times per second in fact) to make sure our skin isn’t being touched in a way that is harmful or dangerous. This scanning is automatic in our brain stem, just as it is in the reptiles and our evolutionary elders. 

Our emotional and psychological boundaries are related to our limbic system, the subcortical structures of the brain. Our psychological boundaries are formed when we are children. When there is proper attunement and mirroring of our emotional landscape, we learn what our emotional identity is, and how it is different from those around us. 

For example, a two-year old having a tantrum might be offered a reflection, “Oh, it looks like you’re mad. You want to play with your toy, don’t you? It’s ok to be mad and right now it’s time for you to get dressed.” The child learns about the emotion “mad”, that it’s ok to feel that way, and that it is her feeling – no one else’s. With regular attunement, the child’s brain learns to know that her feelings and thoughts are ok, and to differentiate from those in her environment. She isn’t enmeshed with the feelings of those around her, but can clearly see where she starts and ends.

These psychological boundaries also allow in information that is true and keep out what isn’t. For example, if you’re told you are a blue truck, you might be able to keep that information out - because you know very well that you aren’t. 

Finally, our ability to keep our word to ourselves and practice impulse control (what might be called a containing boundary) is situated in the neocortex, the newest and most uniquely human part of the brain. This thin layer of gray matter is active when we keep to our commitment to finish the project rather than binging on Netflix, put down the phone and get a good night’s sleep rather than scrolling social media and finish one project before starting the next.

Knowing about the role of the brain and nervous system is helpful for generating compassion with ourselves when learning about boundaries. These adaptations took some time to develop, and they require time to evolve. The good news though is that with attention and intention - coupled with the miracle of neuroplasticity - our nervous system and boundaries can become more functional and life-affirming.

• Dos and Don’ts of boundary setting

Once we’ve established physical, psychological and personal boundaries, next up we can begin the practice of creating and maintaining them in our relationships. One of the most important things to keep in mind is that, if we aren’t first able to honor these foundational internal boundaries, it will be nearly impossible to have them with others. So to get started with setting limits with others, we have to begin even closer to home – with ourselves.

Yes you heard that right - don’t even try to set boundaries with your colleagues at work or your mother, if you haven’t first cultivated your own personal boundaries. 

In other words, when you can respect your physical integrity (and that of others), your emotional self (and the emotions or psychology of those around you without being unduly impacted) and your internal commitments (like when you say you are going to meditate every day for 20 minutes), you can then begin to communicate and execute boundaries far more effectively with others. 

Here are a few tips to get you started. 

DO: 

• Learn about boundaries

• Practice 

• Start with yourself

• Let go of the quick-fix

• Begin with the low hanging fruit 

• Take the win

• Get support

DON’T

• Start with the most challenging relationships

• Ask other people to do for you what you aren’t doing for yourself

• Make threats you won’t carry out

Generating healthy boundaries is one of the best things we can do for our physical, emotional, financial and spiritual health, and most of us need a little help along the way. 

If you’d like to strengthen your boundaries, reach out to a mental health provider, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, trauma-informed coach or find a class. There are so many ways to to support your growth in this way — just find your way to get started. Whether it’s cognitively (by reading blog posts and books), somatically (through embodied practices) or experientially (through trial and error), you can heal and transform your boundaries for better health, relationships and financial abundance. By learning about healthy boundaries, the role or your nervous system and the dos and dont’s of boundary setting, you are already on your way.

THE REFUGE OF BOUNDARIES experience IS NOW OPEn for registration for a limited time. join us for our first live session on may 11th. click here for the details & to register.

4 Ways Yoga Helps Trauma Healing

Research and anecdotal evidence both suggest yoga is beneficial for all kinds of things: physical strength, balance and flexibility, relief of neck and back pain, better sleep, and more.

What fewer people realize, is that yoga can also be a powerful ally in the healing of relational, shock and systemic trauma.

Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD, is a clinical psychiatrist whose work attempts to integrate mind, brain, body, and social connections to understand and treat trauma. He is the author of The New York Times bestselling book The Body Keeps the Score and writes:

When people think about trauma, they generally think of it as a historical event that happened some time ago. Trauma is actually the residue from the past as it settles into your body. It’s located inside your own skin. When people are traumatized, they become afraid of their physical sensations; their breathing becomes shallow, and they become uptight and frightened about what they’re feeling inside. When you slow down your breathing with yoga, you can increase your heart rate variability, and that decreases stress. Yoga opens you up to feeling every aspect of your body’s sensations. It’s a gentle, safe way for people to befriend their bodies, where the trauma of the past is stored.

In this video, I share just a few of the many ways yoga helps the healing of trauma.

4 Ways Yoga Helps Trauma Healing

1. Yoga can alleviate pain and discomfort in the body.

For many people, emotional pain can also be physically painful.

As Nikki Myers says, “Our issues live in our tissues.” Yoga can be extremely helpful to relieve some of that pain, especially if you are doing a gentle, trauma-informed yoga practice.

If you’re in severe grief or emotional pain – whether because of the death of a loved one, a break up, or the latest mass shooting – those 15-30 minutes on the yoga mat can be a blessing of (non-addictive) pain-relief. 

2. Yoga can reduce the physical tension in the body which often causes us to be reactive.

Trauma is anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope, and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. When we experience difficult events, our bodies produce a series of chemicals. If we are lucky enough to process the event and our big emotions in the moment, it often passes without leaving a long-term residue on our nervous system. 

But if there’s no time to process those big feelings - and discharge those chemicals - they often end up turning into the tension we experience in our bodies. Yoga helps us let go of the physical tension and the old emotions that can cause us to be reactive in our relationships, at work and in our public lives.

Feeling the feelings isn’t always fun, but for our long-term health and well-being it’s a must.

3. Practicing yoga can be a chance to learn about, cultivate and use boundaries.

When I went to my first yoga classes many years ago, I was definitely not a fan. 

I was comparing myself to everyone in the room and couldn’t keep up. I felt so awkward. It took me many years to find yoga that was my jam …

And what a teacher taught me was that, if i was in yoga thinking about what was going to happen tomorrow or next week, I wasn’t practicing good boundaries. That really got me curious. 

The invitation was to keep my focus on what was actually happening on my yoga mat. So I started to actually notice when something was causing me to take my attention from what was happening right there in the room.

This is so important because folks who experience stress, anxiety and trauma (and especially folks in the helping professions or people who are givers), often have boundaries that aren’t necessarily strong and healthy. Maybe we over give or over share and then feel ashamed we did that. Or we have difficulty saying no.

That’s certainly been part of my journey. 

So on the yoga mat (or chair), it’s a great chance to practice boundaries and keep coming back to what’s actually happening right here in the moment. As we practice bringing our awareness to our sensations, breath, thoughts and emotions that are on the mat, we are learning to cultivate boundaries. This is important because if our boundaries are intact, we can respond to the challenges of life in a much more proactive way and avoid becoming victimized again.

4. When practiced with mindfulness, it can be a way of learning about and accepting yourself exactly the way you are. 

If you compare yourself to other people - and are either the best in the room or the worst - you’re probably also lacking in self-compassion. Learning mindful self-acceptance is a huge game changer - especially if you are looking to change. 

Why? 

Because shame (a tool many of us use to whip ourselves into shape) never causes anyone to make sustainable long-term healthy changes. Let’s face it - if it worked, you wouldn’t be here reading this looking for another approach. 

So when we bring a spirit of non-judgmental acceptance of ourselves exactly the way we are, and truly practice self-compassion and self-acceptance, we can also be much more accepting and inclusive of others.

And a BONUS …. 

If you want to see the world become a place where there’s greater justice, equality, opportunity for all regardless of race, religion, gender, ability, class, sexual orientation, or any other element of identity, then you know compassion and acceptance of yourself is the beginning of compassion and acceptance for others. Among the best ways you can contribute to making the world a better place, is with self-acceptance and self-compassion. You’ve heard it said again and again but we truly must be the change we want to see in the world!

If you’re looking to transform stress, anxiety and trauma into resilience, I hope these four ways yoga can help will inspire you to take the self-care actions you need to thrive. After all, you deserve it!

Three Tips for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet Again!)

Ever feel like there is way too much change going on in your life or the world? Like just when you get used to one big tsunami there’s another wave of transition coming right at you?

If you’ve been alive in 2021 in the U.S. certainly, you may be feeling this unending sense of anxiety and dread.

“What? Now we’re back to wearing masks again? They want us to come back to the office? I was just getting used to this working at home thing and I’m supposed to do what now? After all the juggling I just did, now I’ve got to maneuver it all around again? When the hell are things ever gonna just go back to normal?!?!”

I know plenty of folks who are making themselves sick and stressed because of the transition fatigue and overwhelm. They don’t have the right tools and information about how we work as human beings and they are burning out. 

Great news. It doesn’t have to be that way!

As someone who has adapted to and created a lot of change in my life, and who helps others do the same, trust me when I say this: not only can you ride out this phase of transition in your life, but you can learn the tools, skills and practices to help you be with change in a way that doesn’t make you overly stressed and sick in the coming weeks, months and years to come. 

‘Cuz guess what, dear one?

Change is here, it’s inevitable and it can be a really good thing. 

In this blog post, you’ll learn 3 things you can begin with right now to help you cope with transition fatigue and overwhelm.

1. Find ground

Remember old-fashioned cartoons? 

Where everything in the entire frame - the background, the farmhouse, the lake - is perfectly still except for Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck running around? When you watched that as a kid, you probably marveled at it and didn’t even notice that 95% of the screen wasn’t moving at all. 

That’s because we are wired to track changes and notice what is moving in our environment and visual field. When these changes happen at a pace our nervous systems can process, or within our window of tolerance, we are usually ok. 

But what happens when there are so many changes going on in your life and you don’t have the opportunity to process, assimilate and integrate them?  

That can be incredibly destabilizing and overwhelming. 

In fact, too many changes without enough stability can feel like chaos, and from a biological perspective that’s unequivocally true. 

(Plus they — even changes we like or have worked hard for - be terribly exhausting energetically, like a tax on the nervous system. So if that’s you, read on).

Trauma (or traumatic stress) can be defined as anything that overwhelms us and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. (Click here for a much more detailed explanation for understanding trauma). Too many changes in too short a period of time can qualify. If, for example, you experienced a job change, a significant change in health, the death of a beloved pet and a global pandemic in the span of a year or two like a beloved client of mine - in addition to all the regular life stressors like paying your bills, having relationships and taking care of your mental health - you shouldn’t be surprised to find yourself feeling overwhelmed. If you’ve had stressful situations growing up, you can multiply that impact by many fold.

So what can you do?

EXERCISE: Focus on what’s stable, unchanging and consistent right here, right now. 

For example, you could take a few moments to note everything that is grounding or solid for you right now. Maybe you can feel your bones, your heart beating or your breath - all elements that have been with you consistently since you were born. You could also bring your awareness to the chair, sofa or bed you are in right now, the ground beneath you, the stars and the moon in the sky above, or the predictable way your cat jumps on your lap the minute you try to get on a Zoom call. My private and group coaching clients know what a fan I am of also having daily and weekly self-care non-negotiables (something we talk about a lot) as the consistent elements in cultivating resilience. 

(Note: If you travel a lot or have an unpredictable work schedule, it’s even more important for you to take the time to get clarity on your daily non-negotiables, to communicate them when necessary to family and colleagues and to protect them fiercely. Mine include meditation, three meals a day, prayer, yoga, adequate sleep and connecting with my support system).

Now doing so won't necessarily affect the changes that are happening in your life. But it can very likely give you the shift in perspective that reminds you of all that you can count and rely on in this very moment. Even if you’ve had lots of disappointments or trying challenges in your life - as many of us have - by bringing your awareness to what is stable, unchanging and consistent right now, you’re giving yourself (and your resilient nervous system) a chance to recalibrate. 

2. Notice positive changes

Having lived in Europe for a good part of my life, I’ve always found it odd that Americans in general (warning: huge sweeping overgeneralization ahead!) are incredibly reluctant to talk about class and financial privilege. People are more likely to talk about their sex life than they are class and how it affects every area of our lives, including our mental health, relationships and well-being. 

But recently, I’ve noticed more conversations and discussions about class in mainstream audiences. When millions of people are strangled by student loan debt, often into the hundreds of thousands of dollars for people who are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, it makes sense that more people are willing to talk about the implications of student loan debt on class mobility, status and the increasingly elusive dream of a middle class life.

That, in my opinion, is a very, very positive change in our culture. 

And that’s the second strategy I’d like to suggest you explore when you’re feeling overwhelmed by change: notice what has changed for the better in your life, community and the world around you because I promise you there is a lot.

EXERCISE: Identify and focus on positive changes

One simple way to do this is to set a timer for 5 minutes. When the timer goes off, you start writing a list (bullet points are fine) of all the things that are better today for you than they were at some point in the past. Maybe you don’t have a 3 hour commute into the city for work or you’re finally able to walk after a devastating accident that left you nearly paralyzed. Or maybe you got a new lovable little critter during the pandemic that greets you when you come home. Or maybe your arms are finally strong enough so you can do bakasana (crow pose) or date online without your self-esteem being dragged into the mud with every dud. 

Broaden it out if you like and focus on changes in your community or the world that are in a positive direction. Like the greater participation of women in the workforce or greater equity, diversity and inclusion in some environments. (Or the fact that most Americans with access to clean drinking water, electricity and health care live better than Louis XIV did when he was King of France!).

It’s important to keep in mind that, even while changes are happening that feel terribly uncomfortable - or are even devastating and incomplete in some cases - good can often come from them with your intention and attention. For example, maybe you were in a toxic and abusive relationship and made a commitment never again to date someone who isn’t self-aware and willing to do the work. While it might not have been fun getting there, your new and improved sense of self-esteem is a huge win. Taking stock of these wins regularly by training your mind to notice and savor them (click HERE for more on understanding the mind and the brain for non-neuroscientists) can be hugely beneficial and will serve you greatly.

3. Seek spiritual inspiration 

Because of the negativity bias we all have as part of our survival make-up, it takes conscious, consistent effort to focus on things that inspire us and give us hope. That might be in the religion of your childhood, yoga, recovery or any other type of grounded, embodied spirituality that lifts you up. 

The important things spirituality can offer us are both, (1) an understanding and acceptance of the impermanence of all phenomena and (2) a way of being reasonably comfortable with uncertainty (for more ideas about understanding your spirit, check this out). 

EXERCISE: Get plugged in spiritually 

Perhaps that means you spend some time reconnecting with the faith of your childhood, reading spiritual or inspiring books (like Peace from Anxiety from my teacher Hala Khouri), listening to podcasts, joining a faith community or a group that lets you see others making positive, inspiring changes in their lives. If resources are tight, recovery communities offer hope and inspiration to millions of people looking to live better lives free of addictive patterns (remember, addiction isn’t necessarily drugs or alcohol, but can be any pleasurable behavior -- scrolling social media, porn, shopping, food, exercise, overworking, etc -- that persists despite adverse consequences). For some people, going for a hike in nature might give you perspective. For others, being part of a social justice movement - a positive, life-affirming sense of belonging to something greater than yourself  - can be hugely beneficial. 

Now that you have some ideas for coping with transition fatigue and overwhelm, what comes next?

You might be thinking: 

Ok I get these strategies, they seem useful. But how do I do this in my real life?

This is precisely what folks in the Mastering Resilience Group Coaching Program do each week. There’s a lot of nuance to applying these strategies and tips in your life in ways that you can engage with consistently. Support is required for you to try different things on. And then there’s the importance of loving accountability, when you make and keep different commitments to your self-care in a compassionate, authentic group setting. 

Want to try it out?

Check out the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st from 10-11:30 am Pacific. For more details and to register for this FREE call, click HERE. 

The bottom line?

Change is an inevitable part of life, as cliche as that sounds. 

The good news is that by implementing these strategies you can begin to cultivate a more-balanced and easeful relationship with it. Change might never be your favorite thing (after all we are creatures of habit, routine and ritual) but at least you can begin to move out of the stress of resistance and overwhelm.

And that is something to celebrate!

Join the upcoming Community Support Call: Tools for Coping with Transition Fatigue (Yet again!) on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021 from 10-11:30 am Pacific. The call is FREE to join but you must REGISTER HERE to attend.

Understanding the Body and Trauma (Part II)

If you’ve been alive in the U.S. during the last year, there is one word that you’ve probably heard more than you have at any other time in your life.

That word is trauma. 

Whether referring to the health, psychological or social impact of the coronavirus, the implications of children being out of school for months at a time, economic devastation to millions, the spike in mental health crises or the insurrection in the Capitol on January 6th, trauma is being talked, written and heard about more than ever.

But what exactly is trauma and what can we do about it?

In this blog post, part of a 3-part series which follows up on Understanding the Mind and Brain (Part I) we’ll explore what trauma is, why animals don’t experience trauma, what happens in humans, and what makes the difference in our ability to cope with and heal from trauma. 

What is trauma?

The word trauma comes from the Greek word for wound. 

In many ways, our psychic wounds are similar to physical wounds, according to Dr. Gabor Mate, author of When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection.

When a physical wound is open, it is raw and extremely sensitive. If you touch it even slightly, you experience intense pain. We’ve all had this experience of being tender and exceptionally vulnerable in this way. Even the smallest contact with this wound is practically unbearable.

When a physical wound heals, scar tissue forms. That tissue is hard and rigid. It is inflexible. It allows nothing to permeate it. 

Our psychic wounds are much the same. 

When we experience trauma, we are extremely sensitive to even a feather’s touch of an experience like the one that hurt us. We cannot bear the agony of even the smallest bit of contact. We become easily triggered by anything even remotely related to the original incident. 

In other places, we become rigid and hard. 

We become inflexible, unreachable even. We let nothing new in, not even resources that might be helpful in some way. So firm and inflexible is our defensiveness. 

In other words, in one way, our psyche lacks balance and moderation. Addicts all recognize this dynamic. And if we’ve experienced trauma, chances are that we are addicts. If addiction is defined as any behavior - shopping, scrolling social media, drinking, overworking, eating, whatever we do to temporarily numb the pain - that persists despite repeated adverse consequences, you can see how most of us are addicts of one sort or another.

And what is the remedy for addiction? It’s not abstinence. It’s connection.

Furthermore, trauma isn’t just what happens. It’s also the absence of what should have happened. 

But there is a way in which our physical wounds and our psychic wounds differ broadly. Our psychic wounds can fully heal. They can be gently, patiently, compassionately healed. 

The medicine? Connection.

Connection with the self and compassionate witnesses, nature, spirit, creativity, art and more.

It is the drive for connection that is the wisdom of trauma. The most important connection being the one with ourselves. 

Trauma is also anything that overwhelms our capacity to cope and leaves us feeling helpless, hopeless or unable to respond. Importantly, trauma lies in the person, and not in the event. Its effects are cumulative. 

There are several types of trauma. 

Shock trauma is things like natural disasters, war zone experiences, man made disasters, sexual assaults, acts of terrorism, acts of violence (including school shootings), child abuse, death of loved ones, major car accidents, and physical trauma. We often hear these referred to as “Big T” traumas. This is what returning veterans have to contend with for years after returning from combat, for example.

There is also what is often called “little t” trauma which includes relational and developmental trauma, such as lack of parental attunement in childhood, betrayal, sexual harassment and divorce. This category also includes things like dog bites, dental procedures, routine surgeries, falls, minor car accidents. 

Finally there is systemic trauma, such as racism, sexism, homelessness, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and other forms of oppression. 

To reiterate, once again the effects of trauma are cumulative. 

Let’s see how this shows up. 

For example, when I witnessed a man being killed by a terrible car bombing when I worked in the Balkans the impact on me was significant. Most people would acknowledge this as a serious shock trauma. But what ultimately determined the impact of that shock trauma in my life for many years wasn’t the bombing. It was the cumulative effect of the developmental and systemic trauma I had experienced as a child that combined with the shock trauma which was so devastating.

Because in the car with me the night of that bombing in Belgrade was another diplomat, my friend Irini. While she was shaken up a bit by the event, she was able to get back to work and business as usual almost immediately. What had been a limit event for my nervous system, which had already been severely taxed in childhood, for her was just an unfortunate but ultimately minor event in her life. 

This, too, is an extremely important point to keep in mind. 

You might have had a breakup or divorce which devastated you for years, for example, while your best friend from college got divorced and was dating again in a matter of weeks. To reiterate, because trauma is in the person and not the event, however, we might see perhaps that your traumatic breakup took place shortly after your father died, your dog got sick and you lost your job, already placing enormous demands on your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual resources. 

Why animals don’t experience trauma

To understand how trauma is experienced by humans, it’s helpful to look at what happens in animals in the wild. Despite going through the harrowing experiences we’ve all seen on the Nature channel, why is it that animals in the wild can be chased, hunted, attacked, and threatened without becoming traumatized? 

My teacher Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger, offers some important clues. 

Imagine a small deer in a sunny meadow. The deer is peacefully munching on grass when it hears a noise. The deer instinctively lifts its head up, perks up its ears and orients to the sound. Its neck, face and eyes turn toward the disturbance while its heart begins to pump faster, flooding its arms and legs with blood preparing it to fight off a predator or flee if necessary. Its sympathetic (alert) nervous system has been activated. Based on millions of years of evolution that have honed its instincts, the animal quickly discerns that the sound was benign - maybe that of a twig snapping - and without missing a beat, goes back to grazing. Within moments, its heart rate goes back to normal and blood leaves the large muscle groups of the legs and arms and moves once again to the digestive system and central organs. The parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) system of the body is activated once again and all is well. 

But let’s say the deer turns and hears that the noise in the bushes maybe isn’t benign but is presenting a threat. 

What happens next?

In this case, once again the deer orients to the sound and its sympathetic nervous system becomes activated. It senses that maybe there is a threat. Immediately the deer’s instinctual response system assesses whether the sound is more like that of a small gopher, which it can easily fight off if necessary, or if it is a more fierce and faster predator, perhaps a cheetah. If it’s a smaller animal, the deer will fight it off and survive. It will use its life-saving capacity for healthy aggression and will actually feel more vital, energized and alive by protecting itself with the fight response. 

Once again, no trauma results here. 

But what if the deer senses that a cheetah caused the disturbance? An animal that is a natural predator and is both larger and faster than the small buck? What happens next?

In this case, the deer will instinctively begin to flee the scene and a chase sequence begins. The buck will run and run as quickly as it can to get away from the deadly and ferocious predator. It runs as fast as it can, but there is no way it can escape the feline. The cheetah gets closer and closer as they run, literally, for life or death across the savannah. 

As the deer continues to lose its lead on the great cat, it becomes clear that its strategy of fleeing and running away will not save him. He cannot outrun the cheetah and knows that, unless something extraordinary happens, it will almost certainly soon feel the steely jaws of the cheetah ripping into its flesh. 

Instinctively the deer once again changes its survival strategy. It could not fight the bigger cat and it can’t flee from it. So the deer takes one more shot at survival and employs its final strategy.

Let’s see what happens.  

As the cheetah gets closer and closer, suddenly the deer stops running and abruptly falls over as if dead on the plain. The deer knows that freezing in this way (playing possum, as it were) offers two potential life-affirming benefits.

First, by freezing, the deer’s physiology shuts down and produces powerful pain-relieving hormones, literally the same substances as opioids. In the event the cheetah does catch up to him and its powerful jaws clamp the prey’s flesh, the pain will be dulled. Secondly, because cheetah and other predators aren’t scavengers and won’t eat animals they haven’t killed, the feline might see the deer lying down and think it’s dead. With some luck, what might even happen is that the cheetah sniffs around at the deer, determines it’s dead and decides to walk away and leave the scene. At that point, once the coast is clear, the deer will get up, unscathed from the encounter.

The most interesting thing you'll see though is what happens after the deer gets up.

Once it’s determined it is in a safe enough place, the deer will begin to shake, tremble and take some deep spontaneous breaths. Remember before the deer stopped racing it was going incredibly fast, perhaps speeds of more than 30 miles per hour. An enormous amount of life force energy was moving through its body, as if the gas pedal was to the metal. Going into a sudden freeze response in this way is akin to slamming on the breaks. Imagine how much energy would be spent in your car if both the gas and the brakes were slammed down at the same time. There would be a huge expenditure of energy, or revving, but zero forward or backward movement. By getting up and spontaneously shaking, trembling and breathing deeply, the deer’s nervous system is reset and it goes back to doing its deer-thing. No trauma results. 

What happens in humans 

Obviously in more ways than we commonly acknowledge, we are much like animals in the wild, especially when it comes to our survival strategies. You might recall using some or all of these strategies yourself. 

So what is it that animals are doing differently that we aren’t? And why is that?

Like animals, we, too, have the natural impulse to discharge overwhelming experiences. But in humans, our egos often get in the way. We don’t want to look weird shaking in the middle of the grocery store when our kid is acting wild. We don’t want to allow ourselves to tremble and cry at work when we get a call that our mom’s diagnosis isn’t good. After all, we don’t want people to think we’re unprofessional or called hysterical, a judgment that often gets hurled at anyone expressing even the slightest hint of emotional energy in corporate work environments. And especially if we are from marginalized and oppressed communities that are already considered threatening in certain shame-based environments in dominant culture, we certainly don’t want to express ourselves for fear of further alienation, ridicule, job losses and even death.

So instead what do we do? 

In what leading trauma-expert Bessel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, calls “the post-alcoholic culture” of modern America, we drink, drug, eat, obsess, shop, overwork, have compulsive sex and do whatever else we can to cope with that unprocessed energy. 

What makes the difference?  Education and Resources. 

What, then, is the path to preventing or healing from trauma? Is that even possible? 

The answer is a resounding yes. 

It is possible to prevent symptoms associated with trauma such as anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and others from developing by endeavoring to give ourselves the time, space and permission to discharge these powerful life force energies. Understanding how your body and trauma work is an incredibly important part of the process and one of the most important resources to have in your toolkit. Knowing this about how we work can help not only you, but your children, spouse, friends and colleagues to prevent post traumatic stress from happening. The cliche “knowledge is power” really does sum it up.

But that’s not all.

Our access to resources is one of the biggest determinants of whether and how we will experience trauma in our lives. 

This is a key point to consider.

Resources are both internal and external. An internal resource might be knowing you have overcome similarly challenging experiences in your life and have survived. It could be your faith. It could be a yoga, prayer or meditation practice. It could be an image or memory of a loving pet or grandparent that loved you unconditionally. 

Inner resources are incredibly powerful as they can never be taken from you. They are also widely available to marginalized and oppressed communities that may also be suffering from a lack of external resources.

For most people, external resources are also necessary to help us cope with and resolve trauma once difficult events occur. External resources could be compassionate friends, family, therapists, coaches, healers, nature, plant medicines, financial resources to help pay for therapy, a 12-step community, yoga class or teacher, a pet that gives you unconditional love and affection, art, music, even essential oils and certain smells. Almost anything life-affirming can be an external resource. 

Trauma is a Fact of Life, But it Doesn’t Have to Be A Life Sentence

While trauma is a fact of life, as Dr. Levine says, it doesn't have to be a life sentence. 

In an upcoming blog post, I’ll share with you specific simple practices you can do to begin the process of feeling more self-regulated and resilient to trauma. 

Mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma to have a more meaningful impact in the world is possible and more necessary than ever. Understanding how your body and trauma work can be hugely helpful on your path to doing so. 

Want to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing. Applications are now being accepted. 

Why Your Intentions Aren’t Manifesting (and What To Do Instead)

Certain times of the year - January, back-to-school time, Mondays (if you’re like many of us) - are when we begin to think about how things are going and what we’d like to see change. 

This year, 2021, is no exception.

The vision boards get made, the resolutions shared and the new journals filled with our personal and professional goals. 

So why don’t they usually happen?

Why Your Intentions Aren’t Manifesting

In my own life, and with my clients and colleagues, I’ve seen a number of things get in the way of intentions manifesting.

Folks report: 

• My resolutions have been too audacious and not realistic. 

• I don’t spend much time thinking about why I want these things to happen. Maybe that has something to do with it.

• It’s scary to say something aloud.

• Being extreme - like quitting alcohol, sugar, carbs and exercising all in the same day - always knocks me off my game.

• I don’t want ANYBODY (not even my subconscious!) telling me what to do! 

• Even though I know creating accountability and getting support is helpful, I hate feeling like I’m disappointing myself and others if I don’t do it perfectly.

• When my To-Do list is too big, I get overwhelmed. Less is definitely more. 

That’s in addition to the very real question of access and proximity to resources. 

Let’s be real: it’s a lot more realistic to fulfill your intention of writing a book this year when you have time, a reasonable amount of financial support, a great writing coach and accountability partners than when you don’t have any of those things. That’s not to say it’s not possible - just that proximity and access to resources can make manifesting many kinds of intentions more easeful.

How to Create Intentions That Do Manifest

There are a number of elements that make it more likely that your intentions will manifest. 

Here are just a few:

• Focus on the feeling you want. Rather than create an intention of losing 15 pounds to feel more confident (and let’s face it - that almost never works), focus on the feeling of being confident now at your current size, shape and weight. By focusing on feeling confident right now, you’ll begin to take the actions that a confident person would take.  

• Create intentions not from your ego, but from your Highest Self. Whenever I’ve created intentions from my ego (“I want to look great in a bathing suit and make that bastard, my ex, suffer!”) even when I’ve gotten what I wanted, it didn’t satisfy me. In fact, it’s like a food addict reaching her hand into a bag of chips saying, “This’ll be the last one!” and not stopping til the whole bag of salt and vinegar Kettle chips is annihilated (not that I’ve EVER done that, ahem). Take the time to connect with your spirit, Source, God, the Universe, your Highest Self, inner leader or whatever you call that part of you that is more than your small ego. Let it guide you. 

• Don’t spend too much time wondering how your intentions are going to manifest - just do what you can to get clear on what they are. At this stage, let your creativity - and your heart’s desires - become clear to you. Let go of the ego’s desire to control and know how it is all going to happen. This is where the mystery and power of the Universe is here to support you. When your vision is aligned with your Highest Self (see above), it’s easier to go with and trust the flow of life to bring you the people, places and things you need to thrive. Your job? Surrender, Dorothy. 

• Look at your life holistically. If you’re reading this blog post, I already know two things about you: you care about mastering resilience to stress, anxiety and trauma AND you want to have a more meaningful impact in the world. Rather than focus on the one thing you’re certain will make you happy - like finding a partner you can truly be your authentic self with in all circumstances - look at your whole life. 

A great tool that I share with my private and group coaching clients that can help with this is this Wheel of Life. 

Wheel of Life Snapshot Assessment 

Draw a big circle - the messier the better. (Who needs more perfectionism?!) Now drop one line from the top to the bottom, another from left to right, and then two diagonals. You should have a Wheel with eight sections. 

Now make a snapshot assessment of some of the key domains in your life in these eight sections: health, friends & family, work/vocation/activism, significant other/romance, physical environment (your home, car, where you live, etc) money, spiritual/personal/creative growth, and fun & recreation. You might need to play around with categories that resonate better for you so feel free to split these up or create categories that are more aligned for you(like you might have a nine in satisfaction with your friends but your family is more like a three).

Now rate each of these sections of your pie in terms of your levels of satisfaction, zero being you are totally miserable in this area of your life, ten being you are completely fulfilled. 

The key to the exercise is not focusing on what it looks like to others - but how satisfying this area of your life is to you. 

For example, you might be an attorney working in private practice. You have a prestigious job and make a decent living. But you hate what you do and would rather be spending your time writing that noir novel you’ve always wanted to. So you give your career a low score of say, 3, even though to your friends and family it appears it might look like you have the best job ever. 

Where You Might Get Stuck

But what if you can’t get clear on what you want to manifest? 

What if you have no idea what your intentions are, you just know you can’t stand the way your life is now?

Don’t worry - it’s much more common than you think.

In my own journey, I found that healing trauma was the key to getting greater clarity about my heart’s desires. When I was at my lowest point after witnessing a car bombing while working as a diplomat in the Balkans, I had no clarity whatsoever about my intentions. All I knew was that there was a still, small voice inside of me that demanded a life of greater authenticity. The pain of trying to be the character my ego had brilliantly created was too much to bear. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted (and could never in a million lifetimes have imagined the life I have today) but I was clear that I didn’t want to be who I had been til that point in my life anymore. 

As world-renowned psychiatrist and trauma-expert, Bessel A. van der Kolk the author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma notes, trauma is a loss of imagination - and it’s incredibly important: 

“Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine everyday existence by fantasizing about travel, food, sex, falling in love, or having the last word—all the things that make life interesting. Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities—it is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships.”

Even if you start by getting clear on what you don’t want anymore, that can be enough to get you to make the changes that will bring more satisfaction to your life. Spend time outside in nature, explore art, join a group of like-minded folks with similar values, read children’s books, or whatever you can to spark your imagination to start including elements that might make your Wheel of Life rounder, fuller and more fulfilling. 

The Bottom Line: There’s Good News

The bottom line is that, with the right kinds of intentions, accountability and support, you are far more likely to manifest the life you’ve always wanted. It might mean letting go of some old ideas and habits (like the way-overrated rugged individualism narrative that has harmed so many of us) but it is possible. Grab a pen and your journal and get started. 

Ready to create your most resilient and intentional year yet in 2021? Get the motivation, accountability and support you need. Check out the Mastering Resilience Small Group Coaching Program with social justice pricing.